The Barbecue #2

His confession flutters in my chest and, for a moment, I feel the temptation to accept his proposal of trying. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Then I hug him from behind, kiss his shoulder, and he threads his hands through mine so I won’t let go.

“What’s this about?” He tries to turn around, but I stop him.

I don’t want him to see the tears I’m trying to hold back because, no matter how much I’d like to keep seeing him, I know it won’t be possible. Once the contract is signed, our lives must go in different directions. It’s unavoidable if I want Haven to choose his own path.

“Thank you for giving me the best of you, Haven,” I say before releasing him and leaving the bathroom without waiting.

When we rejoin the others, Joe’s knowing smile tells me he knows what happened, but I ignore it because I’m in no mood for his jokes.

I also pretend not to see the hateful look his sister throws my way.

If one of them knows what happened, it’s impossible the other doesn’t.

After all, we didn’t leave together, but we came back together.

“The barbecue is ruined,” Barnaby complains, but I’m sure he’s not talking about the rain. “I’m retiring. You can all stay as long as you want if you don’t make too much of a nuisance.”

With that, he leaves us alone. We look at each other and decide, without a word, that it’s time to call it a day on this disastrous Saturday.

So much for my plans to win over old Mr. Odell.

I’ll have to think of something else to reach him, but I’m afraid time is running out and I haven’t made progress.

Joe decides to go get the car so his sister won’t have to get soaked again and Haven follows suit because he intends to do the same for me, since he has to drive me to the inn.

That leaves Matilda and me alone together, uncomfortable.

I pretend to look at the paintings and photos because I don’t feel like starting a conversation with her.

It’s not like I’d know what to talk about anyway—we’re not on the best of terms.

“You’ll hurt him,” she accuses. “When you finish your job here, you’ll leave and he’ll suffer.”

“Well, that’ll work in your favor.” I can’t help feeling bad because she’s right. And although I’ve already warned Haven, he doesn’t seem willing to back off. And I… well, I always end up in his arms. “You can comfort him afterward.”

The moment I finish speaking, I realize I’ve sounded like a heartless harpy, but I don’t take it back. What’s between Haven and me is our business alone.

“I won’t let you hurt him,” she threatens. “He’s mine. Stay away from him.”

“Yours? Are you serious? A question, Mattie,” I stress the nickname, “are you arguing he should stay here because you think it’s what he truly wants, or because you’re afraid that if he goes to the city he’ll discover he has far better options than you?

Do you think that because you gave up a great job for him, he owes you the same?

Because I thought the reason he was supposed to stay was his mother’s company, not you.

Have you told him about your dream job, or do you just live hoping he’ll open his eyes and fall in love with you the way you think you’re in love with him?

I’m sure Haven would be furious if he knew that—”

“You’re not going to tell him anything,” she orders me in a tone I don’t like at all.

“Of course not. I wouldn’t dream of it. I have better things to do when I’m with him than talk about you.

But ask yourself something. If you say he’s yours, why does he always choose to be with me?

Why does he prefer something temporary by my side over something permanent with you?

It seems like the one who’s not wanted here is you. ”

“I’m the constant in his life,” she spits venom with every word. “And when he discovers how black your heart is, he’ll come back to me.”

“He can’t come back to where he never was,” I finish. “He’s not interested in you that way, Matilda. Open your eyes and find your own path.”

She’s about to respond but the guys’ arrival prevents it. The tension between us is quite palpable and yet neither of them says anything. I say goodbye to Joe as he leaves the house and then run to Haven’s car so the rain doesn’t soak me to the bone again.

“I shouldn’t have left you two alone,” he apologizes on the way.

“I can take care of myself, Haven. Don’t worry about me.”

“Did she say something?”

“She thinks I’m going to break your heart.”

An uncomfortable silence follows my words because after our last conversation, we both know that’s a very real possibility. Though I fear it won’t be just his heart that comes away damaged at this point.

“That’s my problem,” he says at last.

“And mine too, if I’m the one who breaks it,” I admit.

“I know you’re not going to stay in town once my father signs,” he asserts. “And I’m sure he will, even though he’s playing hard to get right now. But I’m convinced we’ll find a way to make this work if we both do our part.”

I feel like a wretch hearing his words because my plans don’t include him the way he’d like.

If I’m true to my convictions, I can’t free him from his father only to chain him to me.

But I can’t tell him that because it would finish off a day that’s already been a disaster.

I suppose I’m a coward who just wants to enjoy his company while she tries to pave the way toward the future he deserves. One that probably won’t include me.

Live in the moment, I tell myself.

“Do you want to spend Sunday with me?” he asks.

“It’s still Saturday, Haven.”

“I know.” He smiles and I read his intentions in his eyes.

The two of us alone at his house on what will probably be the last weekend we can be together appeals to me deeply, even though it feels like a goodbye.

Live in the moment, I repeat to myself.

“What do you have in mind?”

It’s a rhetorical question because I don’t need an answer. I know perfectly well what’s going to happen.

“I’m sorry,” he says in response, surprising me.

“For what? Did you change your mind?”

“I’m sorry,” he smiles again, “because I’m afraid you won’t be able to talk come Monday. I have a feeling you’re going to lose your voice.”

His allusion to my screams while we make love sets my body ablaze, already preparing itself for what he’s promising. If that’s his plan for the rest of the weekend, I’ll gladly communicate in sign language on Monday.