Revealing Conversations #2

And I frown again when I hear him. He’s right—I never cared about giving him details of my conquests before. I’m not even sure I want to classify Debra as one. If anyone’s conquered anyone, it’s her who’s conquered me. I was lost the moment I laid eyes on her and I’d do anything she asked.

“I just want to spend more time with her. I never have enough,” I confess. “When she’s in my arms, nothing else matters.”

“I think you’re in love, Haven.”

“You think?” I raise an eyebrow, amused.

“Well, I’ve never been in love.” He shrugs. “I imagine it has to be something like what you’re describing. The look on your face when you think about her says it all.”

Could it be true? Until now I thought it was pure physical attraction.

My body reacts savagely every time I see her.

I didn’t want to look beyond that because she seemed determined to put the brakes on whatever was happening between us once she discovered who I was.

I focused so much on having her one more time that I never stopped to think about why I needed it.

“If that’s what it is,” I say, “I’m screwed.”

“Why?”

“Because I have the feeling that once she closes the deal, she’ll disappear from my life forever.”

“Do something to change her mind.”

“As if it were that easy.”

“Haven, how long have we known each other? Our whole lives? I know how you think and how you act. You’ve always put your family before your own desires—it’s time you thought about yourself. Be selfish, for fuck’s sake. For once in your life, do what you want and not what’s expected of you.”

“It’s not that easy,” I repeat.

“It is, but you’re the one making it complicated.”

“I can’t just up and leave my father alone here.” I don’t even know why I’m saying this—we were supposed to be talking about Debra.

“Your father is a grown man. He can take care of himself, Haven—he’s not going to die because you want to live your life, wherever that may be. And with whoever that may be.”

“My mother’s death was a hard blow for him.”

“For you too, damn it!” he exclaims. “For anyone who knew her. But I’m sure she wouldn’t want to see her only son wasting his life chained to a company he never considered his own. You know as well as I do that she wanted you to get out into the world and succeed at what you do best.”

“She wouldn’t want me to leave my father alone.”

“Do you know what pisses me off the most, Haven?”

“You’re going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not.” I gesture for him to continue.

“That you’re using her as an excuse.” That stings. “You’re clinging to her death so you don’t have to face the future you want but, at the same time, fear. You’re scared shitless.”

“That’s not true—you know I’m not afraid of challenges.”

“But you’re afraid of being happy without her. You think you don’t have the right to achieve your goals because she died.”

“That’s not true.” I don’t sound as convincing as I’d like.

“Damn it, Haven, she achieved hers. Your mother was happy while she was alive because she did what she loved and had the family she’d always dreamed of.

And she was proud of you because you went to college and graduated in what you loved, not in what your father tried to force on you.

Your mother wanted to see you succeed and she’d roll in her grave if she saw you’ve turned into a damn coward. ”

“Don’t say that.” I refuse to hear any more. “She—”

“She was the engine of your family, I know,” he continues. “The bond that held you together. But she wanted you to fly, Haven—you know that as well as I do. You may not want to hear it right now, but you know I’m right.”

“Why the hell are you telling me all this right now?”

“Because I’m running out of patience and I can see you’re capable of letting your future walk right past you and doing nothing about it. Haven, she’s the one who died. Not you.”

I don’t want to hear any more, so I stand and go get another beer. I’d like something stronger, but I don’t have anything at home right now and going out to the bar to get drunk the night before the barbecue isn’t a good idea.

“Haven…”

Joe is beside me. He’s never been this aggressive in his attempts to convince me to leave town, but as much as it hurts to admit it, I know he’s right. That I’ve been putting my life on hold because she’s no longer here.

“I turned it down,” I confess. He looks at me, not understanding, so I continue: “A week before she died, I signed a contract with that advertising company I told you about.”

“You told me they didn’t accept you.”

“They did, but then she died and…” I run a hand through my hair. “I gave up the position. I couldn’t leave my father alone. He was so destroyed by her death…”

“So were you,” he reminds me. “You were two lost souls the day of the funeral.”

“How can I abandon him? I’m all he has.”

“You’re not leaving him behind, for fuck’s sake! You’re just going to live your life. Your father will understand.”

“That’s the problem, Joe—he won’t. If I leave now, he’ll feel it as a betrayal of my mother.”

“Then we’ll have to make him see that it’s not.”

“We?”

“Did you think I’d leave you alone in this? In anything? You’re like a brother to me, Haven. I’ll be by your side for whatever you need. Always.”