Rei

Rei turned around when Sevastyan’s phone dinged in the middle of the movie.

Sevastyan sat on the couch, legs spread, lounging against the cushions.

Rei was on the floor with Lisa, his smaller body almost on top of Lisa’s.

If only he were heavy enough and large enough to make Lisa feel safe.

Instead, all he could do was hold on, knowing that if Lisa truly asked, he’d hand him back the knife.

While Rei had Sevastyan, Lisa had nothing but Alexi.

There was no hope for a day when everything ended.

Not . . . in any way Rei wanted to articulate even in the darkness of his own head.

But he couldn’t stop the images from forming, even if he refused to think the words.

“It’s nothing,” Sevastyan said, sliding the phone back into his pocket.

Rei bent his head in acknowledgement and turned back to the movie. It was all he could do for the moment, get lost in the story playing out on the large screen.

Sevastyan offered Rei bits of dried fruit, cheese, and pickles by turns. He didn’t offer any to Lisa, passing down a full plate instead. There was something like relief in Lisa’s body as he accepted.

Rei let his breath move slowly in his chest. This night was good. He was going to let it keep being good. He was going to stay in this place in his head that was good.

It helped that the food was delicious. Lisa was eating. Lisa was letting Rei feed him from the plate even, taking bits of fruit and cheese from his fingers. Every time Rei offered, Lisa opened his mouth. These were all good things.

With any other master, Rei and Lisa would be taking their lives in their hands just doing this much.

He could see it in Lisa’s eyes. But Lisa was ready to end it all.

He was throwing in the towel. Had been throwing in the towel since the moment he fell into the snow, hoping Rei would find him.

Now that he knew he was only damning himself—that Sevastyan wouldn’t make Rei pay for his affection—Lisa was no longer holding back.

Suicide by a different name. None of them were saying the words, but they were dancing on the edge of the knowing. The rope holding them all up was fraying. They couldn’t hang here, clinging to what they had, much longer.

Rei closed his eyes. This moment was good. But the next moment and the moment after that, they were all shades of black and gray. And red.

They couldn’t stay here. They had to change the path. The answer was right in front of them, but they had to take it.